Mother II

Ok, I reread that last post and I want to clear up something.

I know who my mother is. Here's the thing: My mother gave me up to my father and his wife when I was six because I was a pain in the ass and I screwed up her plans. My fathers' wife is the person I now consider my mom. My mother is my biological mother and my mom is the person who raised me since I was six. She put up with all my shit growing up and she still considers me her son.

In all that time, my mother has sought me out only a few times and then dissappeared.

I had a brother who would have been 26 this year. He passed on a couple of years ago.

By his own hand.

I blame my mother.

I didn't know my brother.

He was in juvenile hall somewhere in California since the age of 14. He took the blame for the "accidental death" of a friend of his. Eventually word got out that the person that caused the accident was an uncle of mine. He let my brother take the blame. He told other family members what really occured and nobody said anything. My own mother knew of it and she still let my brother rot in juvenile hall. My uncle was later shot and killed in a failed home robbery a few years after my brother was sent to juvenile hall. I don't really know my mothers' side of the family. My father wouldn't allow me to communicate with them. You can see why. Most of them are all fuck-ups.

Anyway, during all this I wasn't allowed to write to my brother. Nobody would let me know where he was. I was told that it was better this way.

I don't know when he was let out. It was sometime in the last few years. My brother had been wanting to visit me, but my mother said it wouldn't be a good idea to bother me. This is what I've been told by one of my mothers' sisters. She is one of my aunts on my mothers' side that actually followed the straight and narrow. My aunt kept telling my brother to visit me just the same. That it wouldn't be a burden.

I wish he would have listened to her.

My brother really loved the uncle that put him in junenile hall. He looked up to him for some reason.

The morning that he shot himself, my brother asked for my uncles favorite breakfast. That was a huge red flag there and my mother missed it. After having breakfast, he went to his room, pulled out a .22 and tried to finish his days on earth. It didn't quite work out too well.

He survived almost twenty hours on life support before my mother decided to take the advice of doctors. He was brain-dead. It was another five hours or so before his body decided to give up.

I tried to have some sort of relationship with my mother after that . . . but I couldn't keep doing it. She's made too many bad decisions. And as far as I'm concerned, only one good one. I could have been a major fuck-up myself if she hadn't been so selfish and given me up. I look at her and I always think what could have been.

I could have gone to baseball games with my brother.

I could have taught him how to rollerblade and play rollerhockey.

We could have gone to the bars, had a few beers, talk to some girls . . .

We could have been great friends. I could have had the relationship I see with my best friends and their brothers. I don't have that opportunity now.

But I do have another chance. I have another younger brother. He's 15. I have to make the most of it with him. You never know what may happen.

GD